By | March 11, 2015

The Flyers stink this year, there’s no doubt. But their best player just might be the one thing holding them back.

That’s at least what Master Takist Randy Miller of NJ.com suggested today with some piping hot words. Good words like #leadership and shit. And with #leadership in sight, Miller placed the blame for the Flyers woes squarely on one Claude Giroux.

Sorry, I meant _laude Giroux.

Now, Randy is a Seasoned Hockey Person, so he didn’t do anything ridiculous like suggest that Giroux is anything short of a spectacular hockey player. Here are the takist’s words:

No one can debate Giroux is an elite player. He has more points than any player in the NHL over the last four seasons. He’s a good faceoff man, he kills penalties and he’s far from a defensive liability.

So why, then, would Randy even suggest that the Flyers struggles are Giroux’s fault? Well, if you’re a takist criticizing an elite talent, you can always point to one super relevant thing — how that talent treats the media:

For whatever reason, Giroux just doesn’t seem comfortable answering tough questions during tough times.

Giroux’s take usually is “we did a lot of good things out there” or “we made some mistakes, but we’ll go watch the film and try to get better.”

Get it? The platitudes that every single hockey player dishes out just aren’t good enough when Giroux does it. No, Randy wants a fucking breakdown of tape, a sublime explanation of everything that happens in the game, or at the very least a back rub. And being the head honcho at such a prestigious outlet like NJ.com, you damn well better believe he deserves it.

But Randy didn’t stop there. He took it one step further by noting that when it comes to giving bad quotes to takists, good captains just don’t do that:

That’s not how Chris Pronger or Bobby Clarke would handle these types of issues.

Game. Set. Match. Chris Pronger never ever had a bad relationship with the media, and Bobby Clarke, while being a terrible hockey player (I don’t know if that’s true, because I’m not #old), was always willing to shoot the shit with takists after going on a losing streak. Giroux just brushes them off. In the words of the great Sam Carchidi, “good captains don’t do that.”

It gets better. Suck on this, _laude:

During Giroux’s first season as captain he blew off the media after a frustrating road loss. He vowed it wouldn’t happen again. It did.

It’s at a point now that now where beat writers sometimes don’t even request to add Giroux to the post-game interview list because his quotes often as unusable clichés. More often than not, Giroux gives short answers that doesn’t come close to matching the kind of honestly [sic] that Mason, Simmonds and Streit usually provide.

Leaving that task to others isn’t a sign of strong leadership.

What decent captain wouldn’t want to spend time with a bunch of old, pudgy white dudes who criticize him constantly after a loss? No one, unless you’re _laude Giroux.

Let’s take a closer look at what was just said. _laude doesn’t talk to media the way Randy likes = _laude is a bad captain. That’s a balanced ass equation if I ever saw one, and like I always say, it makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it too much.

While we’re on the topic of #leadership, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention that _laude grabbed a butt that one time. Now, some of you might be scratching your head as to what that could possibly have to do with hockey, but Randy went there:

Then there was the drunken butt-pinching-the-cop episode in an Ottawa bar last summer which landed him behind bars for a night.

How this has anything to do with how the Flyers have performed this year, I don’t know. Answering something like that would require analysis, but we’re not in the business of reasoned logic, we’re in the business of takes.

And if this take couldn’t get any hotter, Ol’ Randy finishes it with a punch:

Dealing with the media is only part of a captain’s job, but all those quotes this season about the Flyers not competing partially is an indictment on Giroux. On the other hand, Giroux still piles up points and he’s as much of a worker on the ice as anyone in the NHL.

“On the one hand, he’s undeniably a great hockey player….on the other, he doesn’t give me good quotes. TEAR THE C OFF HIS FUCKING CHEST!”

This is some Steve Simmons level stuff, right here, budding young takists. Take note.