LITTLE TIMMY PANACCIO KNOWS A DIRTY HIT WHEN HE SEES IT

Tim Panaccio of Comcast SportsNet is no stranger to dishing out piping hot takes, but it seems he may have outdone himself.

It all started when Washington Capitals defenseman Matt Niskanen LITERALLY MURDERED Flyers forward Steve Scott Laughton in their game last Wednesday. Of course, since it’s now the CORSI Hockey League, the Flyers didn’t respond with fisticuffs.

Well, little Timmy was having none of this bullshit. In a scorching hot take posted earlier today, the take master voiced his very obvious opposition to Flyers coach Craig Berube’s claim that the hit was no big deal.

Now, Craig Berube is a hockey man for sure, but he’s certainly no expert. Who are the experts in this case? Why the takists of course!

Here’s Timmy after Berube bursted his bubble:

Thus began a lengthy back and forth with several veteran beat writers who have covered many Flyers teams of past about whether Niskanen’s hit wasn’t a carbon copy of Scott Stevens’ hit on Eric Lindros in 2000 that ended Lindros’ Flyers career.

Now that, my friends, is a strong take. What the hell does Berube know, anyway? Sure, he played the game for years and coaches it now, but has he ever sat in a press box?

Probably not.

Beyond being again right in his analysis that takists know more than coaches, Timmy is following a best practice for piping hot takery: always insert yourself into the story.

And that, dear readers, is what makes this take smoking hot.

MAPLE LEAFS JOIN CORSI-WRESTLING LEAGUE

Following Randy Carlyle’s departure from Toronto, the analytics crowd has been very eager to see how a coaching change would affect the Maple Leafs ability to control puck possession. The stats crowd has been attentively watching the gamesspreadsheets to see just how great the impact would be under the leadership of Peter Horachek.

With Carlyle’s firing solidifying their position in the newly formed Corsi Hockey League, the Maple Leafs have forgotten to focus on winning games in pursuit of the postseason Corsi Trophy.

In fact, things have gotten so dire that the Maple Leafs have stopped playing hockey entirely and are now focused on a brand new form of competition: Corsi-Wrestling.

Luckily for those who think that hockey should be watched on the ice and not on the spreadsheets, expert volcanic takist Damien Cox has come to save the day with these face-melting takes via Twitter.

“The over-the-top praise Leafs are receiving for new keep-the-shots-down approach suggests many have lost concept idea is to win the game”

“In other words, there is no post-season Corsi award”

“Like, people do remember that Randy Carlyle’s team beat the Kings earlier this season, yes? Didn’t just Corsi-wrestle them?”

Wow. Seems that all of the celebration over Carlyle’s firing may have been a bit premature. Back in those days, the Leafs played hockey and they tried to win. Now under new leadership, they just Corsi-Wrestle with the goal of winning a nonexistent postseason Corsi Trophy.

Hopefully Phil Kessel will get this coach fired, just like he did with the last one, and the Leafs can get back to playing hockey.

RANDY MILLER, KEVIN WHITMER ON BEAT WRITERS SPENDING NEW YEAR’S EVE IN CITY WHERE POT IS LEGAL

NJ.com takist Randy Miller was reminded that there are different laws in Colorado when he took a walk during Tuesday’s off day.

In the thin air were stenches of marijuana on a record-setting cold day for Denver, which dropped to minus-19 at night.

“I smelled it in the street a little bit, but I guess it’s one of those things that’s probably new to a lot of people from out of state,” the piping hot takist said after the the Philadelphia beat writers’ morning Super Friends meeting Wednesday.

If the beat writers want to break in 2015 by getting high, they’ll have the opportunity. They won’t leave town until New Year’s Day and pot has been legal in the [sic] Colorado since November 2012. A pot stores [sic], in fact, is close to the beat writers’ hotel in downtown Denver.

“It’s not my cup of tea, but they went through the democratic process and now it became a law, so that’s America,” Miller said.

Usually the beat writers head straight to the airport to catch a flight immediately after road games, but they opted to spend New Year’s Eve in Denver after Wednesday night’s game with the Colorado Avalanche instead of flying to Carolina for Tuesday’s game [sic — the Flyers play Carolina on Friday].

Will NJ.com editor Kevin Whitmer say anything to his beat writers about this?

“I don’t talk to them,” he said. “Our beat writer corps is discipline [sic]. I think they do a good job of picking their spots and doing the right things — which is writing piping hot takes about non stories like the Flyers going to a state where pot is legal.

“We all know it’s New Year’s Eve and all that, but we’ve got takes … back-to-back takes that we have to crank out. It’s important.”

**Editor’s note: The above was a pretty much word for word article written by NJ.com’s Randy Miller, where I just replaced names to make it about him instead of the Flyers. You can read the original trashy take here.**