EAKINS PARALYZED BY ADVANCED STATISTICS

The advanced analytics movement in hockey has claimed yet another victim: Edmonton Oilers coach Dallas Eakins.

Eakins was relieved of his duties today after being paralyzed by speadsheets and Corsi percentages throughout his time in Edmonton. Credit goes to expert takist Mark Spector, who was the first to report this scalding hot take.

By the time it was over Eakins was beaten in submission, by day pouring through piles of analytics that would have had to be lit on fire and placed directly under the collective rear end of his team to have been of any use. By night he had become catatonic behind the bench, frozen even as a National Hockey League referee skated over to ask him — not once but twice — last Wednesday in Anaheim if he wanted to use his time out with 30 seconds left in a game Edmonton typically trailed by a 2-1 score.

It was as if the ref were saying, “Uh, Dallas. Every other coach in every other rink uses his time out here. Are you SURE you don’t want to use yours?”

Eakins decided not to decide, and Edmonton lost again.

Of course, being paralyzed and unable to make a decision is no cause for firing in Edmonton however. In fact, it qualifies one to be both general manager and owner.

Maybe if Eakins hadn’t buried his head in excel charts every day, he would have avoided paralysis and called a timeout. Instead, the Oilers were left with no extra time to plan out a play as the Corsi charts held their coach hostage for the duration of the game.

Spector was also able to spice up this take by pointing out that the advanced statistics would have been more useful if they were lit on fire.

Edmonton police are actively searching for the Corsi charts who are responsible for paralyzing Eakins. Steve Simmons has offered a $10,000 dollar reward for any information leading to the capture of the charts.

If you know anything, you can contact him at (420) 696-6969.