Hot Takery

If you’re a devout reader of The Hot Takery, you undoubtedly know that I have developed a deep hatred of one Travis Hughes. Today, justice was finally served.

Hughes, who dishes out icy cold takes at Broad Street Hockey and SBNation, took things way too far earlier today when he lashed out like a baby at noted hot take hotspot, Barstool Sports.

What a goddamn fireman.

The fine readers of Barstool Sports (who are commonly referred to as “stool samples”) were unfairly targeted here. I’m sure many of you know that the majority of them are fine gentleman, and they responded by showing Hughes just how fucking gentlemanly they really are.

Now, I won’t repost every single response here because, thankfully, there are just way too many. But you can click here for a good sampling.

I know what you’re thinking — those are some sexist, homophobic, and generally insensitive comments, right? Wrong. See, the thing that you’re missing is that you just don’t get how Barstool Sports operates. It’s a magical place where undershirts are “gay” and being called an “egg” is the ultimate insult. (P.S. Travis really likes undershirts — he’s wearing them in like three total photos.)

But most importantly, at Barstool, a homophobic slur is worth a thousand words. Yes, with one simple “homo,” these stool samples delivered an eloquent, tasteful, and dare I say whimsical takedown of Hughes’ suggestion that they are rude, insensitive asshats.

By the way, a lot of those tweets come from a guy who, according to his Twitter profile, develops business for Barstool Sports. I don’t really know what that means, but man this guy really delivered a blow to Hughes. After Hughes whined that stool samples were making homophobic slurs towards him, Chris Spags demanded proof:

BUSTED, TREVIS. Not a single stool sample said anything homophobic, as you can see above. Unfortunately, some loser named “Romeo Wand” tried in vain to prove Spags wrong, but of course our hero came through with the ultimate rebuttal:

See? Telling a man to insert another man’s penis into his mouth isn’t homophobic at all — it’s just solid advice. I think that guy Tony Robbins has made that a cornerstone of his brand.

Spags also took to his steaming hot website to publish the ultimate takedown of Hughes (by the way, you can’t spell Hughes without “Hug”…who’s the gay one now, Tarvis?). I won’t link it here because it might literally fry your motherboard, but take my word for it, it was spicy as hell.

Of course, Travis couldn’t take the heat and ran away like a little baby. I hope you learned your lesson, Hugs. If you suggest that stool samples are assholes, they’ll prove you right every damn time.

And remember, you’re the real homophobe here:

Hockey helmets are not invincible and you should consider getting a new one overtime. They have an expiration date. Hockey is a fast contact sport that involves a lot of concussions. Players travel across hard ice to reach the other end of the score net. Before they make it to the end, they come in contact with pushes from the opposite team and random falls. Making their head very easy target for brain damage. Players need to know how much more time their hockey helmet has left. They also need to know when they need newer and hard shelled hockey helmet for the game. Important for a hockey players or someone interested in playing hockey to have a reliable helmet that has a descent age. More information on what makes your hockey helmet expire below.

Make Sure Helmet Has Hockey Helmet Certification

Every hockey helmet you buy, should have hockey helmet certification. The certification is done by Hockey Equipment Certification Council. That certification ensures that the helmet will last 6 years according to the rule and regulations. Additionally, the certification makes sure the helmet does not have impacts on it brand new. Previous impacts or other defects can make your head hurt 3 times more than usual. You go through a lot of ice and hard hits on that hockey field. You don’t want to make it easier to crack your skull and cause you more hospital bills. A hockey helmet is not the best hockey helmet, if it does not have hockey helmet certification. Don’t go online and buy any hockey helmet that claims to be the strongest, safest, and built design hockey helmet without the hockey helmet certification. The risk of getting a helmet that is cheap could cost you your life.

Get a Helmet That’s a Little Lose

Another, you can make your hockey helmet last long by using a helmet that is little bigger than your exact head size. Your hockey head size is the size that fits the hockey helmet tight. The goal is to get the hockey helmet to fit you a little bigger than that. This requires you to go up in size by small measurements and try stuff on. You won’t know how lose you can go without trying hockey helmets in person. Don’t go spending money on hockey helmets that are a little bigger than what your use to. Go to your local hockey store and try hockey helmets on the old fashion way.

Impacts to Helmet Cause Hockey to Not Last Long

Beware of impacts that can cause your hockey helmet to be less effective. Sometimes, you can get away with a couple impacts to your hockey helmet. But, it’s the big impacts you can’t get away with. Those impacts are dangerous enough to give your head head injuries on the ice filed. I suppose if your playing with friends and playing fair you could stretch it the big impacted hockey helmets. Playing with professionals on the other hand, means you need the highest protection hockey helmet you can have. A helmet that has no impacts and is guaranteed to not cause you head problems. Professional players hit a lot harder than your friends. If you don’t mind having a broken skull or tumour, by all means continue wearing your hockey helmet with a huge impact dent. Leave yourself open to damaging your brain and causing you other problems down the road.

Used Hockey Helmets Don’t Have Endurance

Used hockey helmets are not the best hockey helmets to have. Their used and that means they have more dents in them than a new hockey helmet. More dents means they have a higher chance of giving you a headache or worse. I know you want to save money by using used hockey gear, but this is your body and not some electrical device. You got to take care of your body more than anything else. If you damage your body too much, you will find yourself not being able to function in society. Then, your girlfriend will not want to hear what you have to say, when you can’t do the things you need to do. Buy the best hockey helmet for head protection by buying a new hockey helmet.

Hockey helmets can expire under certain conditions. A person who has too many impacts is wearing an expired hockey helmet. Hockey helmets can only be used with a small amount of impacts and those impacts need to be minor. Also, buying a helmet that is has no hockey helmet certification is the same as buying it used but worse. You don’t know what your getting and it hasn’t been tested to withstand impacts to your skull. Consider helmets certified to be expired for safety and use. Last, a used hockey helmet is expired as well. Online, you can’t see the impacts on the inside and feel for them. You don’t know what your getting. For online purchases, buy a new hockey helmet to avoid getting a banged up hockey helmet on inside that will cause your head to pop during play.

Legendary coach Herb Brooks once said “Great takes are born from great opportunities. That is what you have here tonight. Writers might publish a cold take on this situation 9 times out of 10, but not tonight. The fireman’s time is over. It’s done. I’m sick and tired of hearing what great hockey writers the firemen are”.

With the Flyers taking on their former coach Peter Laviolette this past weekend, veteran takist Randy Miller of NJ.com did not leave his great opportunity on the table. Keeping Brooks’ inspirational words in mind, Miller delivered one of the hottest takes of the 2014-15 season.

After Peter Laviolette was asked about the current success of his former player Jakub Voracek, Miller stepped in with this flaming garbage take:

“I think he’s been like that for years,” Laviolette answered before his Predators 4-1 win over the Flyers on Saturday night. “I think he’s a real powerful guy out there. Certainly this year he’s getting recognized more because of the amount of points that he’s putting up. He’s had a great start to the season, but I think he’s been a top offensive player for the Flyers for years.”

That was an interesting response there from Laviolette because it does seem pretty obvious that Voracek has taken his game to a higher level this season.

Even though Laviolette ended up getting what’s now a better job than the one he had – his Predators are playing like a Cup contender and the Flyers could miss the playoffs – you have to wonder if there was something more to his assessment of Voracek.

Keep in mind that Laviolette still hasn’t discussed his feelings about his firing and he hasn’t ever talked about his former assistant being elevated into his position after the 2013-14 Flyers started 0-3.

And keep in mind that Laviolette and Berube went from spending hours together every day during hockey seasons to not speaking at all.

Was Laviolette’s comment a way of not giving any credit to Berube, whom Laviolette may or may not feel worked execs behind his back to get his job?

Or was Laviolette just being honest?

Miller has demonstrated once again why he is one of the best in the business. Baseless speculation is one of the purest foundations upon which scalding takes are built.

Very few people have the ability to uncover a controversy like this from just a simple boilerplate statement made by a coach about one of his former players. Even fewer people have the gall to publish articles about it.

As long as Philadelphia area newspapers continue to employ writers like this, citizens of the city can continue to expect very mild temperatures this winter. Keep up the good work, Randy. I don’t want to put my shorts and sandals away any time soon.

Sometimes, a hockey team is bad. Really bad. And of course, when this happens, the only people who are really hurt are the piping hot takists.

Take this smorgasbord of misery by the Philadelphia Flyers’ takists. There’s not much to add here, so take this as you will:

(Mason didn’t flub anything on this play, but still, narratives matter)

Please keep the Philadelphia takists in your prayers — their lives of sitting in a climate controlled areas while spitting out takes for six figure salaries are pretty tough.

The advanced analytics movement in hockey has claimed yet another victim: Edmonton Oilers coach Dallas Eakins.

Eakins was relieved of his duties today after being paralyzed by speadsheets and Corsi percentages throughout his time in Edmonton. Credit goes to expert takist Mark Spector, who was the first to report this scalding hot take.

Eakins arrived with swagger, a product of TOR media. Leaves with a .381 win %, paralyzed in his stats. My take: http://t.co/i7PPgEK7eR

— Mark Spector (@SportsnetSpec) December 16, 2014

By the time it was over Eakins was beaten in submission, by day pouring through piles of analytics that would have had to be lit on fire and placed directly under the collective rear end of his team to have been of any use. By night he had become catatonic behind the bench, frozen even as a National Hockey League referee skated over to ask him — not once but twice — last Wednesday in Anaheim if he wanted to use his time out with 30 seconds left in a game Edmonton typically trailed by a 2-1 score.

It was as if the ref were saying, “Uh, Dallas. Every other coach in every other rink uses his time out here. Are you SURE you don’t want to use yours?”

Eakins decided not to decide, and Edmonton lost again.

Of course, being paralyzed and unable to make a decision is no cause for firing in Edmonton however. In fact, it qualifies one to be both general manager and owner.

Maybe if Eakins hadn’t buried his head in excel charts every day, he would have avoided paralysis and called a timeout. Instead, the Oilers were left with no extra time to plan out a play as the Corsi charts held their coach hostage for the duration of the game.

Spector was also able to spice up this take by pointing out that the advanced statistics would have been more useful if they were lit on fire.

Edmonton police are actively searching for the Corsi charts who are responsible for paralyzing Eakins. Steve Simmons has offered a $10,000 dollar reward for any information leading to the capture of the charts.

If you know anything, you can contact him at (420) 696-6969.