The other day I was perusing Twitter and noticed something deeply disturbing — something that I wish I had never seen.
Feast your eyes upon this, and tell me you aren’t afraid:
— Pimparoo (@JOHANvonSLAYER) July 27, 2014
That’s right, folks. Big Corsi has become so pervasive that it is literally infiltrating our food supply. After seeing this I was justifiably shocked — after all, we know that Big Corsi’s influence is spreading at a rapid pace.
But it gets worse. Much worse.
Once I was finished rocking back and forth in fear, I decided that I had to get to the bottom of this. If Big Corsi could infiltrate pizza, what was stopping them from starting other business ventures? We all know that the pernicious statistic has been paying off the likes of Tyler Dellow for years, but now they’ve upped their game by putting a spy in the Maple Leafs’ front office. Just where are they getting the money from?
The following results might shock you, but I have found at least eight businesses that filter money into the Big Corsi enterprise. Here they are, and why you should never ever be a patron to any of them.
Corsi’s Pizza and Corsi’s Pizza Parlour
That’s right — theres TWO of them. The first (Corsi’s pizza) is located in scenic Howell, NJ, while the Parlour is situated in Hagerstown, MD. I know it was shocking enough that they ruined pizza for one town, but I fear this is spreading faster than we could have ever imagined.
So why exactly should you boycott them? Of course, you don’t want to be giving money to Big Corsi (that goes for any of the businesses on this list), but beyond that, the pizza at these joints is absolutely terrible. Now I know cold pizza can be good the morning after a night of drinking, but these two establishments seem to be the only places that serve their slices ice cold. I’m not talking refrigerator cold — I mean Mama Celeste fresh out of the freezer cold.
It makes sense when you consider that Corsi is a cornerstone of many a subzero take.
Corsi Remodeling and Corsi’s Custom Remodeling and Woodworking
That’s right…it seems that Big Corsi is entering industries in pairs, and this time they want to GET INSIDE YOUR HOME. To remodel it, of course.
These businesses also show a pattern — Big Corsi is spreading its money laundering facilities all over the country. Corsi Remodeling is located in Erie, PA, while the other is in Illinois. It won’t be long until they make it to Benghazi.
Now, the reason why you should never use either of these business’ services is pretty obvious. They both focus so much on the planning — the measurements, the designs, etc. — that they never stop to actually watch the work they’re doing.
Again, this makes perfect sense, given that the sole purpose of Corsi is to prevent people from watching the game.
PDO Specialists and PDO School
Of course, Big Corsi is somewhat of a misnomer. This dark money group isn’t just in it to spread the foul word of Corsi, but rather an array of misleading and overused statistics.
That’s where these two companies come in. PDO Specialists, located in San Diego, CA, is a group of pediatric dentists, while the PDO School is a school for youngsters located in Oman (that’s right, Big Corsi is going global. God help us).
Do I really need to explain why you should avoid these companies? THEY’RE LITERALLY TRYING TO GET TO YOUR CHILDREN. You do love your children….don’t you? Then avoid these places at all costs.
Besides, children that attend the PDO School show extremely high intelligence at young ages, but eventually regress to average levels. Don’t waste your money.
Fenwick Flooring and Fenwick Beer and Wine
If Corsi is Batman, then Fenwick is its Robin, and Big Corsi is making sure that this dubious statistic is getting is fair chunk of change.
Fenwick Flooring terrorizes citizens of Panama City, Florida, while Fenwick Beer and Wine is located….in our nation’s capital. I KNEW Obama had connections to Big Corsi, and I finally have the proof.
As with all the other businesses, you should never use these two — Fenwick Flooring installs incredibly rough floors because their sandpaper lacks grit, and Fenwick Beer and Wine promotes drink quantity over drink quality.
This list is by no means exhaustive — there are many shadow companies set up by Big Corsi to funnel money into its operations. These are just the ones I’ve had the time to properly research (I know, research is terrible for hot takes, but in this case, it was necessary).
While I (and you, presumably) are incredibly scared, we can take solace in the fact that none of these businesses possess the compete level to make it long term in the American economy.